196: What Brene Brown and The Art of Charm Have in Common

So, true story: almost everyone on my team here at Happen to Your Career is an introvert. (Myself included!)

Which is kind of surprising for a company that teaches people all about how to use relationship-building and presentation skills to create new opportunities in your professional life, right?

Well, contrary to popular belief, we introverts don’t have to be completely socially anxious and hiding ourselves away in a closet somewhere. (Most of the time.)

Case in point: this week’s podcast episode with AJ Harbinger, from The Art of Charm, he reveals that despite being a social skills coach for top performers, he’s also an introvert.

So what’s his secret weapon for making conversation as enjoyable and fulfilling as possible? It’s the same skillset that Brene Brown identified in her famous TED Talk: The Power of Vulnerability.

“A LOT OF US HAVE THIS CONFUSION OR MISCONCEPTION AROUND CONNECTION. WE FEEL OR ASSUME THAT CONNECTION HAPPENS THROUGH COMMONALITIES, SHARED INTERESTS. IN REALITY IT HAPPENS THROUGH SHARING EMOTIONS BECAUSE THEY ARE UNIVERSAL. VULNERABILITY LEADS TO CONNECTION.” 

AJ HARBINGER

AJ learned about using vulnerability to create connection and relationships the hard way — through a lot of painful life lessons learned from doing things wrong:

“I’M INTROVERTED. EVEN THOUGH I HAVE THESE TOOLS AND SKILLS OF EXTROVERTS. IT’S ENERGETICALLY DRAINING FOR ME TO GO INTO A LOUD CRAZY SOCIAL ENVIRONMENT AND TALK TO A LOT OF PEOPLE….MY CAREER STALLED OUT IN GRADUATE SCHOOL BECAUSE I DIDN’T HAVE EFFECTIVE SOCIAL SKILLS. I HELD BACK NOT SHARING IDEAS. OVER TIME THAT LED TO MY BOSS AND LABORATORY MATES THINKING I WAS ARROGANT AND DISINTERESTED. WHEN YOU HAVE THAT SITUATION WHERE YOU ARE FEELING AND ACTING ONE WAY BUT THE PEOPLE YOU INTERACT WITH ARE GETTING A DIFFERENT SENSE OF WHO YOU ARE IT CAN LEAD TO A LOT OF FRUSTRATION AND HEARTACHE.”

AJ HARBINGER

Download our worksheet to mastering conversational closeness called Learning the Art of Vulnerable Connection.

AJ breaks down the building blocks of connection into a simple analytical process so that anybody can create a meaningful conversation with a total stranger.

His process streamlines conversational confusion and creates conversation starters broken down into these three clear steps:

1. ARE QUESTIONS AND SMILES ALL IT REALLY TAKES TO BE INTERESTING?

We all know that someone interested in you through nonverbal communication, body language, being present, and having great energy but what does that actually mean?

Counterintuitively, if you showcase parts of your personality that include being challenging, not being totally agreeable and boring, you become more “real” and more intriguing to someone else.

This means that taking a genuine interest in the other person and asking them questions, listening for the emotions and deeper-level answers. Focus on asking “how” and “why questions.

I personally use the emotion indicators as my signal to go deeper.

For example: I met this photographer in a coffee shop the other day. He told me every year he takes 12 teenage kids plus to a different country in Africa to build houses for people that need them.

We started out by talking about what he did for work, but when he started telling me about this his tone changed, his voice changed, he had a smile on his face as he was talking and he was leaning forward as he was talking to me about it.

All those signs were indicators that was the subject I wanted to find out more about… plus I was genuinely interested in what he was telling me!

Listen with your eyes and your ears, so you’re staying present to all the nuance of their communication.

Remember, to be interesting, be interested.

2. WAIT… SO I SHOULDN’T TELL THEM I LIKE THEIR SHIRT?

Once they’re interested, show genuine interest back and reward their interest with a compliment about their personality or character or even something they clearly value and care about.

What this looks like:

Remember my coffee shop photographer friend from above? When he began sharing his “building houses in Africa” story I was impressed. So I told him that.

He had a cool camera (Canon 7D for photography buffs) and I could have given him a compliment on that. But it’s more meaningful and creates a different experience if I focus on personality, character or what he values.

Compliments about superficial parts of them will come off as…superficial. Dig deep about something you find beautiful in their heart or soul that you’ve picked up on from the conversation.

For a conversational cheat sheet in this part, you can ask a question, listen to the answer, and then respond with a statement. Note that you actually do not want to respond with another question! After an average of two questions, they’ll start being interested in you and asking a question in return to fulfill the norm of reciprocity.

3. ONCE THEY’RE INTERESTED NOW YOU CAN SHARE YOUR STORY

Finally, once you’ve developed a rapport and back-and-forth, share your own narrative. Build a connection with them by picking an emotion they’ve mentioned that resonates with one of your life lessons, and share that lesson.

For a template on exactly how to do that AND  to map out your own narrative so you’re prepared to share it:Download our worksheet to mastering conversational closeness called Learning the Art of Vulnerable Connection.

HOW TO START HAVING VULNERABLE CONVERSATIONS RIGHT NOW

Creating connection is the first stop to relationships and it takes practice and for most people trial and error to truly master this.

If you want an even deeper understanding listen to the entire episode above or download on iTunes or Stitcher.